This article is part of The Belief Bucket series, where we examine ten common beliefs about alcohol.
- Introduction: What is the Belief Bucket?
- Belief #1 – Relaxation (Alcohol helps me relax)
- Belief #2 – Happiness (Alcohol makes me happy)
- Belief #3 – Reward (Alcohol is my reward)
- Belief #4 – The Rosy Effect (Remembering only the good times)
- Belief #5 – Taste (Alcohol tastes amazing)
- Belief #6 – Social Ally (Alcohol helps me socially)
- Belief #7 – Sleep (Alcohol helps me sleep)
- Belief #8 – Moderate Drinking (Our obsession) ← you’re here
- Belief #9 – Boredom (Alcohol solves boredom)
- Belief #10 – The Buzz (Alcohol feels amazing)
"Only two tonight."
We decide before we go out. We’ve eaten, we know what we’re drinking and we’ve already worked out what time we’re leaving.
Once we’ve finished the first one, we may already be thinking about the second.
How slowly should we drink it? Is it too early? Is anyone else ordering another? Could we have three and still say we stuck to the plan?
And if we stop at two, we could sit there thinking about the drink we’re not having.
So yes, we might manage to drink moderately on some nights. But how much work did it take, and how much of the evening was still about alcohol?
If it was easy, we wouldn’t need so many rules
A lot of us tried every version of moderation.
Only on weekends. Never at home. Only with food. No spirits. Nothing before six. Two drinks and then water.
We changed the days, the amount, the drink and the rules around it. Some rules worked for a while. Others were broken almost as soon as we made them.
If moderate drinking came naturally to us, we probably wouldn’t need this much planning. Someone who doesn’t really want another drink probably isn’t spending the whole evening trying not to have one.
The first drink can change the plan
Before we start drinking, two can sound completely reasonable.
We feel the effect starting and want to keep it going. Or the first drink doesn’t do enough, so having another seems obvious.
Then two becomes three. We make the pours larger, lose count or decide tonight doesn’t really count because it’s been a difficult week.
The thing is, we made the rule while we were sober. Once we’ve had the first one, it may not seem as important.
That same rule can sound solid at five o’clock and unreasonable by seven.
Even successful moderation can take over the night
Let’s say we do stop at two. On paper, the plan worked.
But maybe we counted every sip, watched what everyone else was drinking and spent the next two hours wanting more. We might have followed the rule while feeling annoyed, restricted or left out. And the next day, instead of feeling free of the problem, we’re already planning when we can drink again.
So when we say moderation worked, we don’t always count any of that.
Of course we need to look at how much we drank, but we also need to look at how much of the night was spent thinking about alcohol.
Why we keep trying
We keep trying because moderation sounds like a good compromise.
We don’t have to stop completely, explain ourselves or imagine life without alcohol. We can keep it for holidays, dinners, celebrations or the occasional difficult day.
And that can feel much easier than deciding we’re not drinking at all. But we may then keep having the same argument with ourselves.
When can we drink? How much is okay? Have we earned it? Was last night bad enough to mean we should wait?
We can end up back in the same mental argument again and again.
We keep hoping alcohol can go back to being something we hardly think about. But if we’re constantly managing it, that clearly isn’t happening.
When we break the rules, we blame ourselves
When moderation fails, we usually don’t question the plan. We question ourselves.
We tell ourselves we were weak, careless or not serious enough. So we make a stricter rule and try again.
And if that one fails, the shame gets worse. We start believing everyone else can drink normally and there must be something wrong with us.
We don’t need another label or another reason to give ourselves a hard time.
We can look at what keeps happening. If one drink regularly makes us want more, trying to stop at one or two is going to be difficult every time.
What happens when there’s nothing to manage?
For some of us, not having the first drink can be easier than spending the night controlling what happens after it. There’s no counting, no waiting for the right time and no private argument about whether one more is allowed.
That doesn’t mean going out without alcohol feels easy straight away. We may still want a drink or feel uncomfortable around people who are drinking.
But we don’t have to make the same decision again every twenty minutes. And over time, we can spend more of the evening thinking about the people we’re with and what we’re doing.
And that’s worth noticing. If trying to moderate means we spend more time thinking about alcohol, it probably isn’t giving us the freedom we hoped it would.
The next one is the belief that alcohol solves boredom.
— Brent
Next in the series: Belief #9 – Boredom (Alcohol solves boredom) →