We can turn one drinking thought into a disaster without leaving the chair. "Why am I still thinking about this?" becomes "I'm never going to change." Then we tell ourselves we're weak, broken or hopeless.
Now we still have the original thought, and we're also having a go at ourselves.
Harsh self-talk doesn't make us stronger
Many of us believe being hard on ourselves keeps us accountable. It may push us through work or get a job finished, but drinking is different. Shame can make us want to escape how we feel, and alcohol was one of the ways we did that.
Calling ourselves useless after a difficult moment doesn't help us work out what happened. It makes the feeling heavier while giving us nothing useful to do with it.
Being direct is still important. We can say, "I kept entertaining the thought of drinking all afternoon, and that made tonight harder." That is honest. "I'm hopeless" is an attack, not an explanation.
Forced positivity isn't the answer either
We don't need to stand in front of a mirror and tell ourselves everything is amazing. If the evening is hard, we can admit it's hard. If we handled something badly, we can admit that too.
What we tell ourselves needs to be believable: "I'm having a strong craving, but I don't have to act on it." "I made a mistake, and I need to deal with it now." "This feeling has changed before."
Those lines don't pretend we're fine. They name what is happening without piling on judgement, then point us towards the next action.
We don't need to memorise an exact line. It only needs to sound like something we'd really say when the pressure is on.
Listen for the old alcohol story
Self-talk also includes the stories we tell ourselves about alcohol. "I deserve a drink." "I can't relax without it." "One would make this easier."
If we keep repeating those lines without answering them, alcohol continues to look useful. We can bring back the part the thought leaves out: "The first drink may change the feeling, but I know where it usually goes."
We don't have to start a long argument in our head. We only need to remember where that first drink usually takes us.
Make the sentence more accurate
The wording we use can hide what is really happening. "I can't do this" might mean "I don't like how this feels right now." "I need a drink" may mean "I want this feeling to change quickly."
Once the sentence is more accurate, it becomes easier to answer. We aren't trying to solve our whole life. We're dealing with restlessness, hunger, anger, an old belief or the next twenty minutes.
It also helps to separate a thought from a decision. "I'm thinking about drinking" is true. "I'm going to drink" is a different sentence. The gap between them is where we still have something to do.
Use the same honesty afterwards
Self-talk matters after a difficult moment as well. If we got through it, we don't need to dismiss that as luck. We can notice what helped and use it again.
If something went badly, we can look at it without turning one event into our identity. What caught us? What did we keep telling ourselves? What needs to be different next time?
We can be direct without being cruel and encouraging without pretending. The point isn't to say something impressive. It's to tell ourselves enough of the truth to make the next good decision.
— Brent